Amusing Observations

I saw a fat woman golfer wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new set of golf clubs. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole some and asked him to forgive me.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I cannot get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I do not get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he was thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Aren't you going to help? I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If we are not supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex. No, me neither.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

Golf Your Way Into My Lovin' Arms

I received this unusual golf poem via email from a gentleman named Ted on the Australian Sunshine Coast:

"When all seems lost and love has passed by your door one too many times, you know you can golf your way into my lovin' arms.

My lovin' golfing arms will embrace you in a golfing lovin' way and until that day, believe you can golf your way into me.

Golf into me, golf all over me, golf me like you mean it and leave a little golf in me.

Free your golf from the fabric down below and take your golf and slap me, slap me dirty golf and have your way with me.

My dirty golf will treat you how you've only dreamt, or perhaps seen on the net or read in a public toilet, dirty golf your way into my lovin' arms"

I'm not going to lie to you, that's one weird poem Aussie Ted.

The Sensation Of The Hole In One

Unlike many people, Aussie Golfing has never scored a regulation hole in one in competition or regular play golf. This saddens me and is in fact one thing I would like to achieve before the dark lord comes for me. I can only imagine the pure elation of feeling the ball come off the club perfectly, then watch it creep into the hole or the unbelievable surprise to find your ball in the cup after aimlessly looking for it in the normal places golf balls are found like behind trees and under rakes.

Until that glorious day, Aussie Golfing can only try to imagine these feelings. In the meantime, what I have done is come up with the ten greatest feelings I have ever experienced and for those of you in the same situation, I'm sure you can relate.

1. Being the last person to go through the supermarket register before the clerk goes to lunch. When she passes that sign that says 'This register closed' and I put that baby behind my weekly supply of Cheetos and beef, I feel amazing and make those 'oh well' gestures to other unlucky shoppers. Perhaps a hole in one feels like this?

2. Finding that days newspaper left on the morning train

3. Buying something and having the exact change in my pocket

4. Putting in a DVD and finding I can skip the 'Video Piracy' notifications

5. Walking through a mall and there are enough samples of marinated chicken and fancy breads that I do not have to buy lunch

6. Seeing an ex girlfriend making out with a drug dealer, this makes me happy because I know it will end badly

7. Finding a car space right out front of where I need to go

8. Watching funniest home video 'Cat Specials'. I love watching those smug bastard cats falling off fences and when babies pull their tails

9. Sitting in a meeting and time runs out before I have to do a presentation that I prepared while other people were presenting theirs

10. When walking my dog, he goes to the bathroom when no one is looking and we can just stroll away

Any one of these things probably feels exactly the same as a hole in one, so I do not really feel I have missed anything to date.

Golfers Make Better Lovers

A recent survey proved what I have known all along and that is that Golfers make better lovers. Aussie Golfing sent along the stunning Golfettes to a local public driving range to survey eighty-five male golfers and posed the following question: "On a scale of one through ten, how would you rate yourself as a lover?" The results were astounding, with 93% of the survey exclaiming eleven or higher, 5% gave themselves a ten out of ten and 2% said "pineapples".

So what makes golfers such amazing lovers? To answer this thoroughly, one has to go back to ancient times when men where treated as gods and men who golfed were even godlier. Golfers were powerful athletic men who in order to be better at golf would make love to many willing women before important tournaments and sometimes before tournaments that were not important at all. This copious amount of fornication immediately followed by golf over thousands of years found its way into the very gene pool of humanity and gave male golfers an uncanny ability to pleasure women repeatedly in one night.

For the thousands of beautiful women that read Aussie Golfing, I know what you are thinking and the answer is "yes," I am blessed with this talent.

Greg Norman Fat: Weight Concerning Family

Australian golfer and bareback horse rider, Greg Norman has gone from being the Great White Shark to the Great White Fark since settling down in his new relationship. The big guy is tipping the scales at over 320 pounds, or almost 145 kilograms! Friends and family are concerned that Greg has taken to the easy streets and it has been suggested that the new wife, former tennis ace Chris Evert's kitchen wizardry is to blame.

It is no secret that Chris Evert loves tying on an apron and who else to try out all those delicious recipes on than the person of your dreams. "A little powdered sugar on that Greg?" Says Chris, "Sure darl, love some!" is the standard shark reply and who can blame him?

This now infamous image was captured while Greg was chatting online with some friends from China. You may notice that Greg’s usual trademark broad brim hat has been cast aside and substituted with a fetching Prussian blue wrestling outfit. Those Chinese sure loves a gun show and it looks like Greg has not disappointed with this display of Australian prime beef.

However, all is not well in the Norman camp. Skeptics fear that Greg has given golf away altogether, choosing to spend his time in front of the computer, locked in fierce Sudoku battles against notoriously svelte Asian adversaries.

Aussie Golfing is crossing it’s chubby fingers for you Greg and hope to see you back on the golf course soon!

Adam Scott is Golf's Fonzi

Adam Scott is arguably the coolest Australian on the PGA Tour and his world ranking reflects that the man has tremendous golfing talent, however, to take things to the next level of awesomeness, one has to look outside the box, and one has to look to the Fonz.

That leather jacket and cool swagger sure add a menacing street credibility to Scott's flashy appearance; in fact, I would be kidding myself if I didn’t say that the picture intimidates me.

You can find more images, almost as frightening as this one by clicking here:

Golf Humor: 15 Classic Golf Quotes

After scouring the earth searching for humorous golf quotes, these are my top 15 in no particular order.


Enjoy:


"A ball will always come to rest halfway down a hill, unless there is sand or water at the bottom." Henry Beard

"I'm the best; I just haven't played yet." Muhammad Ali

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." Australia's Greg Norman

"You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work." Lee Trevino

"I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." Lee Trevino

"Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore', shoot six, and write down five." Paul Harvey

"These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow." Sam Snead

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." Jimmy Demaret

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball" Jack Lemmon

"I don't care to join any club that's prepared to have me as a member" Groucho Marx

"I don't need to know where the green is. Where is the golf course?" Babe Ruth, playing Pine Valley

"When you start driving your ball down the middle, you meet a different class of people" Phil Harris

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music." "Silk Stockings" TV Show

"I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators." Gerald Ford

"Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun." Unknown

You can find more jokes and golfing humor here:

Aussie Golfing Legend in Bikini

Have you ever wondered what Australian golfing legend Jack Newton would look like in a sexy pink striped bikini? Me either, but here at Aussie Golfing it's become our duty to provide stimulating information and resources that you may not find in a conventional news medium.

Anyway, take a look. I must say I was pleasantly surprised with the results. I believe the term to describe a dashing figure like this would be a 'prawn', where you throw away the head and keep the body. Frankly, I don't think I could even keep that body after knowing the head that was on it, but that's just me.

Look at Jack there, relaxing and giving a sexy glance, I bet I know what he's thinking and it involves a mirror, a tube of condensed milk and a fancy new set of naughty pajamas. On the other hand, it could just be that he peed in the pool, who can tell, it's the same satisfied look.

So what does all this have to do with golf you may ask? Not a lot, but I sure found it amusing.

You can find more humor in bad taste by clicking here:

Funny Golf: Murphy's Law

Unfortunately I can't take the credit for these funny golf gems, but they're brilliant and this blog isn't complete without them. Enjoy golf's Murphy's Law:

* A golf ball you can see in the rough from 50 meters away is not yours.

* Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

* When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can hit either one more club or two more balls.

* The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

* No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

My personal favorite:

* Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

* A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

* Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

* You can hit a two-acre fairway 10 per cent of the time and a two-inch branch 90 per cent of the time.

* Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

* When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball . . . if you ever want to see it again.

* Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

* There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: How many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

* If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint

* A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

* It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

* If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

You can find more hilarious golf humor here:

Craig Parry Golf Workout: No Guts No Glory

"Craig Parry's 'No guts, no glory' workout changed my life!" I'm sure you have heard those words a thousand times and probably wondered when you too could try this revolutionary training system that has changed lives all around the planet. Well, grab a seat and a packet of trail mix and take this journey with me!

Check out these buzzwords:

* High intensity
* Energized
* Core training
* Yogalates
* Results

You will not find any of these in the Craig Parry training regime, and here's why: Craig has handpicked some of his favorite exercises to help you achieve your goals targeting those often-neglected body parts, like the back of the knees and the giblets. Nevertheless, do not just take my word for it check out this extreme transformation!

"I wish to thank Craig and his team for helping me maintain a weight that I have had since I was in high school. I am now 30 and feel great. I have kept my weight for over two weeks now. Craig has truly changed my life not only physically but mentally, and I thank God for Craig Parry and the support he provides." - Dr. Kenneth Plimpton

That's right, with Aussie Craig's patented golf principles, you maintain the same weight for 12 weeks straight! No 'ups and downs' no crazy diets, just good old fashioned, do what you always did, it has gotten you this far and your not dead training. Who can argue with that?

Australia's Anna Rawson in Sexy Sling Bikini

Sexy Australian female golfer Anna Rawson sure loves the beach and what better way to spend a Sunday afternoon than soaking up the rays in your favorite sexy sling bikini?

Those hours in the gym are really paying off for Anna as she looks terrific in this classy number, and where did she get those divine shoes? Uh oh, don't go out too deep!

As a model and a professional golfer, it must be hard to find time to work out and get to the beauty spa to be ready for that next big photo shoot!

Thumbs up right back at you sling bikini wearing Anna Rawson!

First Image: Sergio 'Normanitus' Garcia

If you have been following lately, you would be aware that I have been endeavoring to uncover the mystery surrounding Sergio Garcia's shortcomings when its crunch time on the golf course. So far, all the evidence is leaning towards a disease only found in a few professional golfers, i.e. 'Normanitus', a cruel play on the name of the great white Australian, Greg Norman.

I contacted a forensics expert who specializes in adding age to a person by a number of years. This kind of technology is usually reserved for missing person’s cases etc. We sat down, examined images of Mr. Garcia, and submitted them to the computer. Ironically the picture above is what the computer produced without any knowledge whatsoever of Garcia's recent golf game.

This kind of technology does not lie and Sergio is showing more and more symptoms. On the bright side however, it appears Sergio will in fact win the British Open one day and judging by the picture, it will be sometime in the mid eighties.

Does anyone else notice a creepy resemblance to Nicolas Cage?

More information on Normanitus can be found by following this link:

Alien Vs Parry

If an alien spacecraft came crashing to earth and the fate of the world was in the hands of an Australian golfer, there’s only one name that comes immediately to mind, and that's Craig 'The Dragon Slayer' Parry.

Craig would dispute this fact, such is the humble man, but I believe everyone knows that when the tough gets rough, Parry is always the last man standing. Here is a taste of Parry's humility regarding one of those magic moments that Craig consistently delivers. "There's a few people who said it was the best shot they have ever seen under such pressure ... It's for other people to talk about. As far as I'm concerned, I was fortunate enough to be in the right place at the right time." Actually, it WAS the best shot anyone has ever seen Craig.

Craig Parry is the Jenna Jameson of being in the right place at the right time. Not to mention his uncanny ability to adjust his golf game to suit any conditions that Mother Nature may throw at him. The kid from Sunshine has come a long way.

More magical golf observations and rare images can be found by clicking here:

Geoff Ogilvy: Golf's Yoda

Geoff Ogilvy is arguably the wisest man on the professional golf tour and he does not mind telling you. Affectionately known as 'Yoda' by his peers, Ogilvy said in a recent interview that, "The event itself forces my mind to be in the right place." Yes Geoff the 'Force'.

Ogilvy's stock went up tremendously after winning the US Open in 2006 and since then his wisdom has multiplied. Ogilvy's coach, Dale Lynch, says it is the Australian's intelligence, which sets him apart from all but a few. "A major," says Lynch, "needs more thought than a regular tournament and if you look at players like Geoff, Tiger, Jim Furyk and Padraig Harrington, they all think well. They plot their way round and they keep their mistakes to a minimum."

Before every Major, you can find Dale strapped to Geoff's back, as he trains in the swamplands of Dagobah, honing his skills in the legendary rough.

Here are some timeless quotes from Geoff over the years:

Wisdom:

"It plays long all the time. Even though the ball goes a long way here, it's still a long golf course."

Confidence:

"Walking up 15, I wasn't very happy with the way it all sat. I didn't think I had any chance, but I didn't give up. I thought even if I birdied the last four holes, I'm not going to do it."

Vision:

"I don't know, I can't explain it. It happens in match play. Once a guy starts winning holes, you keep winning holes."

Humility:

"I played the best I have played all week today, and I played really well this afternoon."

You will be pleased to know that more wacky golf stories can be found here:

How to Spot a Gay Golfer

Gay golfers are just like you and me except of course, for the gayness. For the benefit of gay readers, gay people are similar to you in the fact that they are also gay.

For the education of the non-gay audience, I have personally undertaken a very expensive scientific research program to help understand our gay golfing brothers and sisters. The results of 12 years research are as follows, in a simple to read point form that explains how to spot gay golfers:



* Gay people will openly use a chap stick (properly) in front of their playing group
* After calling "fore" from a wayward shot, will put the palms of their hands on their cheeks in shock
* Have a straw in their water bottle
* Don't bend their knees when they pick up their golf ball
* Will go for sushi after playing 18 holes
* Have named each of their clubs
* After teeing off with a driver, will kick up their back leg as they follow the ball (see image)
* Own more than two pairs of golf shoes
* Have one too many buttons on their shirts undone
* Will tell you that golf is not a phase they are going through, they knew they wanted to play from a young age
* They jingle when they walk
* Have a gallon bottle of 'Aunt Suzie's' sunscreen on board the golf cart
* Speak in a peculiarly creepy deep voice when greeting other golf groups
* Own Prada golf bags
* Are always punctual for their tee-time

I feel good knowing that this information is now available.

How to Buy Fake Golf Equipment

Has golf become too easy? Have you been seeking a way to add twelve strokes to your golf game instantly? With advances in golf equipment technology, it is now just a matter of 'point and shoot', so Aussie Golfing has come up with a cunning way to add a new challenge to your game; buy fake Chinese manufactured golf equipment and take your golf game back to 1983!

Remember back when you first started playing golf, when a drive over two hundred yards put a smile on your face, or when you sliced it seven out of every ten strokes? Let us throw all that experience, training and money out the window and have all that back!


The benefit of fake golf equipment does not stop there either! Christmas time; how do you buy golf presents for the golfer that appears to have everything without wasting money on unnecessary gifts? Buy that special loved one four times as much fake Chinese golf equipment for your money and cover all bases, that's how!

Here are several ways how to spot fake golf equipment, so you're not tricked into buying top quality, technologically superior golf products:

1. Hunt down auctions from China and Hong Kong.
2. Search for auctions for driver or irons heads only.
3. Check sellers other items for sale. Make sure they are selling only one type of club, there is a good chance this is a fake equipment seller.
4. Ask the seller to provide the serial number. If they do not respond, jackpot! If they provide a serial number, you can email customer service and ask if the serial number is legit.
5. Be fooled by pictures. The pictures on a bad auction will not be the driver they are sending, Aussie Golfing calls that a 'mystery gift'.
6. Approach sellers that are new to Ebay, or have less than 100 feedbacks selling golf equipment.
7. Search for auctions for drivers, irons or balls listed in a non-golf category. They use this tactic to avoid Ebay dumping the auction.
8. Another good indicator to search for is 1-day auctions with a "Buy Now".

Some of the world's best known brands; Cleveland Golf, PING, Titleist, TaylorMade, Cobra, Callaway Golf, Nike, Mizuno and Yes Golf are being counterfeited so there is a lot of variety to choose from.

I trust golfers who want to add more challenge to their game or friends and relatives looking to buy a loved one a lot of golf equipment for little money, find this article helpful.

More great golfing gift ideas and helpful hints from Australia and around the wonderful world can be found here:

Michael Phelps is Lousy at Golf

Frankly, Michael Phelps does not impress me. The leotard and the little muscles do not impress me. I'm not impressed that if we're on a boat and it sinks he can get back to the beach faster than me. Moreover, why are people comparing him to Tiger Woods? Michael Phelps is lousy at golf.

Where is the chart that shows Phelps has done more for swimming than Tiger has done for golf? I can't wait for the first $7 million swim meet and the Michael Phelps swimming video game should be a lot of fun! This is a ridiculous comparison. Phelps has done well at the Olympics, but people seem to be forgetting that several of his gold medals were in a group of four aka a relay. Tiger has a caddy that's good at geography, he doesn't hit any of the balls to give Tiger a break.

It's Olympic fever that's gripped all the nutbag journalists and lounge chair athletes, coming up with outlandish analogies. Sure, we might see a bunch more kids in the pool trying to be the next Michael Phelps next week until they realize how damn hard swimming is. Early mornings, up and down a pool staring at a line and talking to yourself, oh and don't forget about the Speedo you have to wear. I give those Phelpamania children three weeks to give that up so they can get back to their ipods and breakdancing.

I read another article saying that while U.S television audiences watch swimming, they don’t watch golf - they watch Tiger. It would have been interesting had Tiger played in the PGA Championships last week in the middle of the Olympics to see how true that was, however he didn’t play, so again they’re just blowing wind.

I hope all the U.S television audiences are watching the men and women’s Olympic track events. At least you still have Phelps to write about.

12 Reasons: Why Golf is Better Than Bars

The older I get, bars just seem less and less appealing. I'm not exactly sure why, the music is still the same, there's lots of alcohol and the odds of seeing naked breasts are far better in a bar than on a golf course. But that's all I could really come up with. However, I did manage to come up with plenty of reasons why playing golf is better than going to a bar. Here's my top 12:





1. It's not frowned upon to leave a golf course at 10am.
2. After a round of golf, it's unlikely to wake up the next day with an STD.
3. You can wear a hat on a golf course.
4. People don't chat to you at the urinal at a golf course.
5. You can drive a golf cart on a golf course.
6. You can have 12 clubs to choose from on a golf course.
7. You don't mind seeing your friends balls on a golf course, in fact you will actively look for them.
8. Unlike a pool table, when you put a coin down you always get it back.
9. You can't play golf in a bar.
10. You always wake up with your eyebrows intact after a round of golf.
11. You don't feel old on a golf course.
12. When you get home late from playing golf with your buddies, chances are you won't have to sleep on the couch.

You can find more golfing humor from Australia and around the world here:

Golf Secrets Revealed: Unemployment

A fellow Aussie golfer asked me once "What is a sure fire way to lower my handicap?" the answer is obvious, so with a smug grin I quipped back "unemployment."

Though frowned upon in many circles, unemployment is a technique I’ve used on many occasions to further myself. In fact, right now I’m utilizing an unemployment technique I call ‘unemployment awareness’ and have been using this time to get to know me.

The principles behind unemployment golf stem from ancient times, when unemployment was not a luxury. Our ancestors over hundreds of years created an environment where the unemployed are now lucky enough to be able to enjoy golf when they did not have the same opportunities.

Of the many benefits to the unemployment principles, one of my favorites is the flexibility. Unemployment can help any golfer at any level. I’ve used unemployment principles to improve my short game and my long game!

I love catching up with my unemployed buddies in the middle of the week and enjoying a peaceful round of golf. Without a care in the world, we can take our time and get inside our game. I remember one time staying at the course for almost eight hours straight, like a regular working guy might spend in an office!

I hope you enjoyed hearing about some of the great advantages to using unemployment techniques to help your golf game. Next week, I discuss how to utilize the 'wife leaving you because you don’t have a job and you play golf all day' principles to add eight yards to your drive!

More golf jokes and humor can be found here:

Golfers Are Hardcore Adrenaline Junkies

Pure evil, insanity, adrenaline, junkies; Golf.

You don't wake up one morning living on the edge, you're born there my friend. It's a deep piercing fire inside you. To reach out and put your hands around the neck of danger and choke it till you puke!

Golf is no different to any other sport, except for the fact that it's a bloodthirsty, brutal death match every time you pick up a club. Imagine riding a dragon with no saddle into the pits of hell, then multiply that by 10 and you may just have a glance at the lifestyle of a touring professional golfer.

The golf course is a giant cage match; no rules, no fear. The only man that can defeat you is you. You create the masterpiece, you control your own destiny.

Face your fears on the green, tame the mighty beast as you wrap your talons of fury around the cold steal and let forth a blistering putt of pure evil the dark lord himself would admire from his recliner in the caverns of death.

Play each hole like it's your last, would you want to die immediately after laying up? The furnace is hot like molten lava, so make your bed in the intestines of the weak.

Face your demons and be extreme.